No longer with us

Grandpa has left us, yesterday morning. I am happy that he is no longer suffering and that this is what he has been waiting for since July. And yet, I’m deeply saddened that I no longer have the Grandpa I have known my whole life.

I am feeling guilty as well. I wanted to update on him over the long weekend, how he has lived to see our 50 year’s celebration. Wanted to share that Grandpa was my age when our country first got its independence 50 years ago and that I was wondering whether I will still be around 50 years from now, like Grandpa’s age.

I’m also feeling sorry that I didn’t get to see him over this weekend. Honestly, I didn’t feel the need to.

I got to know that they stopped giving him the drip last Thursday yesterday from my mom and I was telling her “why didn’t you tell me?” coz I would have gone to see him. I know that once the drip is taken away (he has not been eating already), he will have that little days or weeks left.

I’m also feeling guilty that I wanted to update on him over this weekend but my own work got the better of me.

While I’m feeling guilty and sorry the whole time yesterday after I heard the news, and while I’m disturbed the whole night by this (I couldn’t sleep well), I kept hearing Grandpa’s voice “Don’t feel sorry, what is there to feel sorry?”.

And while I’m also feeling disturbed with death and that I’m also feeling scared (it’s the end of the ghost month yesterday), I also kept hearing Grandpa’s voice “No need to be scared as there is nothing to be scared off”.

The last I saw Grandpa was over a week ago, over the long weekend we had. We spent several hours there, just before we picked my in-laws from the bus station. My Grandma cooked assam laksa (a Malaysian dish and also one of my favourites) that day.

Grandpa called out “Rye Li” so many times when he knew it was us that visiting him. That’s just him. It’s not easy for him to talk and yet he will for the sake of us. I also joked with him that he has lived to see our country celebrating its 50 years.

He asked for cold coffee when I was there and I fed him that through the syringe (like how you would feed a baby medicine). I think he only drank 2 tablespoon of coffee. My aunt told me that it was good that he asked for this as he wasn’t eating already then. She also said that it was a miracle that he was still alive and I told her that it was due to the glucose drip (this is how the coma patients can live for years although they are not consuming food).

Anyway, I just wanted to update on this for today. This will not be the end of my stories for Grandpa, there’s a whole lot more.

I will update on the funeral soon, something I also want to share on. The funeral will be tomorrow.